As I write this, Teresa May is making her speech laying out her plans for the UK’s departure from Europe. It’s the perfect time for me, being and acknowledged expert in the field, to educate all you brides and grooms about what Brexit means for your wedding. Of course, you know that your plans for your “big day” can’t go ahead unaffected by the referendum result, however I doubt many of you will know the extent of the disruption you may face. I will try to explain some of the main points.
Let’s start with the obvious ones.
Sparkly dance floors: You will know that the real name for the sparkly dance floor is Chaumont Sol, after the French town of that name where 100% of the worlds twinkly floors are made. You may not know that these glimmering boards have PDO designation. This Protected Designation of Origin status means that after we leave the EU we will no longer have free access to them and face the prospect of having our first dances without LED’s illuminating our nether regions.
Wedding Cakes: I don’t need to tell you that you won’t get Black Forrest Gateau (German), Sachertorte (Austrian) or Cassata (Italian). However, I’m sorry for all you achingly on-trend couples who will have to forgo the Macarons (French). I know it’s hard to perceive a wedding without a precarious pyramid of brightly coloured edible yo-yo’s but that’s the price we pay for straight cucumbers.
Fiancé and Fiancée: Sorry, French words so no longer permitted. Hard to police this one and I’m sure you won’t be arrested for accidentally using it but you will certainly draw some disapproving glances from passing brexiteers. The Department for Exiting the European Union suggest using the phrase “my betrothed” instead.
Wedding dresses (gowns): Moves are afoot to make it compulsory for every wedding dress to openly convey true British values. The idea at the moment is that designs must include something emblematic of Britain. That may be a sequined bulldog or a perhaps a diamante encrusted image of a pork pie. It may be as subtle as using red, white and blue ribbons but one thing is certain, and will be enshrined in law as soon as we are out of the EU, and that is that dresses can only be of Empire line in design.
Food and Drink: This one is really quite straightforward and I think actually simplifies the planning process. From November, the 13th 2017, the betrothed couple will be limited to an authorised list of British foods which can be served to guests. This list includes approved starter, main course and desert options. Vegetarian, hallal and kosher options are to be outlawed as they are deemed to be unpatriotic. There is still some discussion on what the final options will be but I can’t imagine them not containing at least some of the following:- Jellied Eels, fish and chips, beef wellington, roast potatoes, tomato soup, shepherd’s pie, Yorkshire pudding, trifle, battenburgh, treacle tart and steak and kidney pie. All delicious, I’m sure you agree and positively reeking of the blitz spirit. Unfortunately some foods will definitely be outlawed and so far that list contains: – French onion soup, Moules Frites, all types of pasta, anything containing olive oil, parmigiana, paella, salami, pepperoni and coleslaw.
In terms of alcohol. All wine will need to either be British in origin (yuck) or from out with the EU. So, we are ok for New World wines from the likes of Australia, California, Argentina. The regulation pertaining to beer is stricter. Only Carling lager or John Smiths bitter have been approved. On the banned list, so far is all the foreign stuff like Perroni, Stella, Guiness and Carlsberg. Tennants lager is also banned until Scotland agrees to wholeheartedly support brexit.
Wedding Cars: Must be from a British manufacturer and must have been registered prior to 1980. This ensures that no cars produced after the maker was consumed by a German company can “slip through the net”. Special exceptions have been made for the Nissan Qashqai and Micra.
Those are the most obvious changes which will affect UK couples but there are some other points up for discussion which my contacts tell me are almost certain to be introduced. These include… All wedding ceremonies must begin with a rendition of God Save the Queen and every indoor venue with a licence to hold weddings must have a portrait of Nigel Farage on display.
Any bride or groom with a vaguely foreign sounding name must adopt a traditional British type name like George, Wayne, Chantelle, Kevin or Agnes for the ceremony, much the same way as a Bangalore call centre worker does when trying to convince you there is something wrong with your computer.
I hope this short informative post helps you and I’m sure you agree that, Apart from a considerable increase in the cost of everything and the obvious inability to get married to anyone who can’t explain the Duckworth Lewis cricket scoring system oh and of course being unable to go on honeymoon anywhere European, or to be in a plane flying over anywhere European, then you can pretty much plan the wedding as normal (following the rules of course).
I had it in mind to write a reflective post about how crap last year was. Was going to make interesting political observations about the EU referendum and the election of Trump. Was preparing to write a eulogy to Bowie and to grieve for the death of UK music at the hands of Honey G. I then thought that perhaps this isn’t the kind of stuff newly engaged couples trawling wedding blogs want to read. They probably don’t want exasperated, portly, middle aged curmudgeons spouting poorly thought-out opinions based on very little knowledge.
I reckon they would rather read a blog post which adheres to the official wedding blog post guidelines.
- Always be sickeningly positive.
- Always say “heart” instead of “love”.
- Always fake interest in shoes and even if you cant tell a kitten heel from a clog, you must say they are lovely.
- Brides are always gorgeous, grooms are always handsome and together they are always adorable.
- Always say gown instead of dress (WTF is the difference?)
- Weddings must be categorised as either Contemporary, Rustic or Classic (I think classic is pretentious blog code for boring).
- Every blog post must contain at least one photo of a bearded hipster in skinny trousers and a bow tie. If that’s the mother of the bride, so be it.
Those are just some of the rules one must follow to conform in the wonderful world of weddings since the advent of the internet.
That used to be me. I’m sure if you look back you will see posts where I have used the words “pastel shades” or “stunning burlap chair ties”. However, 2017 marks the tenth year of McBeth Photography.
So 10 years and nearly 300 weddings later I have reached the point where I think it’s ok to reject all the fake fluff hashtaggery. No longer shall I feel the need to express excitement at hand punched place cards and table centers depicting all the benches the couple have eaten chips on (although that does sound like a cool idea). I will stop pretending I know the difference between Jenny and Chris Packham (although I do). Weddings are great and photographing them is brilliant. You can’t help but be impressed with the amount of effort put in and attention to detail most folk have in planning the day which is perfect for them.
For me though it’s about the people. It’s the obviously nervous groom, the tipsy granny and the overly friendly uncle. It’s the slightly awkward but ultimately hilarious dance routine. It’s that moment during the speeches when the best man says that thing which causes the groom to hold his head in his hands before glancing toward his new wife.
So on that note, I would like to present the beautiful Hollie, the handsome Terry (aren’t they adorable) and their (I’m gonna say) contemporary wedding at the stunning Signet Library In Edinburgh. Check out Hollie’s shoes, I heart them.
Bollocks, no hipster.
2016 is done for me. No weddings now until February (unless anyone want’s a last minute bargain) so going to have to concentrate on catching up on blogging most of last years 30 weddings and sorting out my site.
Here is a short film showing some of the highlights of 2016.
Have a good Hogmanay when it comes and I will see you all in 2017.
Aikwood Tower, Ardgye House, Aswanley, Dunglass Estate, Freja Designer Dressmaking, Glencourse House, Graywalls, Melville Castle, Muckrach Country House Hotel, Roulotte Retreat, Signet Library, The Byre at Inchyra, The Lighthouse, The Spotty Dog, Wedderburn Castle,
Now that 2016 is coming to a close (it is, shut it!) I am finally catching up a bit with these wretched blog posts. So much so that I am now in a position to blog a wedding which actually took place this year!
This couple, who’s name I forget as it was so long ago, got married or something at a castle or something in Scotland or something. I do remember that he was bloke with a short name and expensive tastes in wine and she was a lady with a huge bunch of flowers.
It was February or January and there was a big dog, yeh there was definitely a dog, possibly black.
Ok, right that’s all the boring details out of the way. Lets show you photos of a wedding which I know you will only be interested in if you know these people or you are getting married and thinking about getting some bloke to come along and photograph it. Either way, just spend 5 mins having a wee look.
Oh wait! Actually it’s a slide show. Not done one of them in ages. But (it’s ok to start a sentence with but) apparently it’s good for your SEO if you include slideshows and videos and stuff or something.
I find most photographer slideshows incredibly insipid and overwhelming spew-inducing. So I have decided I’m only going to do slideshows now which have altogether inappropriate music. This one is a cinematic orchestral piece, apparently.
And relax. I do remember them. I remember at least half of my clients. It’s Bethan and Rob and the wedding took place at Wedderburn Castle.
Right then. Last November, frickin’ freezing in rural Derbyshire (that’s England you know, practically foreign), I turn up at the windswept Upper House with the feeling like I am in an adaptation of Wuthering Heights. Dark clouds and horizontal rain didn’t bode well. However, you know what? It’s weddings like these which make me remember why I love my job. It’s not about the weather or the location or the ease of parking or the fact that it’s dark by around noon. It’s about the folk. Not just the bride and groom either, but everyone. When you are offered a warming whisky on arrival at about 10.30 am then you know everything is gonna be fine. That’s because great people make a wedding great. Nice people.
Kelly and Stephen are nice. So were their guests. For them it didn’t matter how cold it was. They were prepared to huddle together under patio heaters to show their affection for Kelly and Stephen and their appreciation for all the effort made to make this day special.
Upper house was also brilliant. A beautiful old building stunningly restored and one of the most amazing medieval banqueting halls you could imagine.
But like I said, it’s all about the people, and the main people this day were among the coolest, most relaxed and welcoming couples I have worked with. Ladies and gents, I give you Kelly and Stephen.
You can’t blame me for forgetting this one. One of Scotland’s best venues, beautiful bride and a lady in tight leather dancing with flaming torches.
Anyway I’m glad I remembered as it’s a good one.
Emma and Chris at Dundas Castle.
No time for flowery language. Just some photos to show off.
Lorna and David at Carberry Tower.
From now on all my blog posts are just going to say “Here are some photos”. Because I know that is really all you look at a wedding photographers website to see. You don’t care what he thinks of your shoes or that he loves your use of straw bales instead of chairs. He may think your hand decorated jam jars are an excellent substitute for actual drinking glasses and that your your fathers tie brings out the blue of his eyes but that is immaterial.
So, Here are some photos. Leighanne and Gary at The Grand central Hotel, Glasgow.
Around this time, 20 years ago I was sat in the wonderful Cameo Cinema with my then girlfriend (and now wife), waiting for the start of a film which would define a generation. A generation of Edinburgh druggies anyway. Trainspotting is 20 effin’ years old!!
I was new to Edinburgh and Trainspotting was my introduction to typical Edinburgh life. I was somewhat disappointed to discover that not everyone in the city fell into the one of the brilliantly colourful character types of the main protagonists. There are some streets in Morningside and Dean Village devoid of emaciated, dirty Converse wearing, borderline psychotic, heroin addicted ne’er do wells. My aim is to draw my Edinburgh clientèle from those enclaves. I would be more than a little nervous to cover Begbie’s big day.
A lot of you would have been too young to see Trainspotting when first released in cinemas. I hope though that, at the first appropriate opportunity, your parent, guardian, warden or keeper sat you down in front of the old cathode ray tube and shared with you this tale of a charming band of hapless rapscallions and their daring do’s, comical heists, intravenous drug use and extravagant bed shitting.
Not only is the film “pure class ya rocket” it also gave us this.
I think the word you are looking for is ……TUNE!!!!
I’m unsure how wise it is ( in a business sense) to touch on the subject of IV drug use and anal incontinence on a wedding blog and I didn’t even mention the under-age sex and extreme violence. However, if you see past all this then perhaps I may be just the kind of photographer to shoot your wedding (and not your dog, in the arse, with an air rifle).